Alberto Gonzales Confirmed as Secretary of Torture

WARNING: The following, while sincere, is deliberately provocative and confrontational, though I hope laced with enough humor to ward off the letter bombers among my readership. Oh jeez, there I go again. Read at your own risk.


Today, the U.S. Senate confirmed Alberto Gonzales as the nation’s new Attorney General. I once thought I’d take absolutely anybody in the place of outgoing A.G. (Assembly of God? Attorney General?), John Ashcroft. Well…we all make mistakes.

Senate Republicans spent the last several weeks talking themselves blue in the face about Gonzales’ humble beginnings as the grandson of Mexican immigrants and how his Hispanic ethnicity trumps all other issues; for example—principles, morality, credentials and an appalling record.

Those pesky Democrats, intent on burning the nation’s Bibles, melting down all its guns, and greedily consuming millions of dollars from Bush documentaries, retorted saying that they could not, in good conscience, vote for Gonzales' record despite his compelling, made-for-TV personal story.

For reasons passing understanding, those with the consciences and cajonies enough to buck their party, objected to Gonzales’ most infamous example of moral bankruptcy—a memo, ordered in January of 2002, which defined permissible torture as anything short of death, permanent psychological damage, or organ failure.

It was this memo which directly sanctioned, if not overtly authorized the sort of heinous behavior captured so nauseatingly on film in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

According to Gonzales, the Geneva Conventions, which have governed military and battlefield behavior since 1864, are both “quaint” and “obsolete.” Ain’t he just the sweetest thang!

A recent editorial in The New York Times pointed out, “The attorney general does not merely head up the Justice Department. He is responsible for ensuring that America is a nation in which justice prevails. Mr. Gonzales’ record makes him unqualified to take on this role or to represent the American justice system to the rest of the world.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham challenged Gonzales, saying, “When you start looking at torture statutes and you look at ways around the spirit of the law...you're losing the moral high ground. Once you start down this road, it is very hard to come back.”

“Judge Gonzales is the wrong man for this job,” Senator Patrick Leahy, Democrat of Vermont, declared. “Mr. Gonzales' actions as White House counsel have tarnished our country's moral leadership in the world and put American soldiers and American citizens at greater risk.”

By appointing and standing by his nominee, President Bush proves once again that his fixation on moral leadership and spiritual divination was nothing short of a product of the Magic 8 ball sitting on his desk in the Oval Office.

In the end, the Democrats’ pleas and petitions were not enough. The final vote was 60 for and 36 against. All dissenting votes were cast by Democrats and one Independent.

Now, after weeks of congressional infighting, Mr. Gonzales can finally get on to the real job of continuing to obliterate the line between what makes an Iraqi who tortures his victim a “wicked evil-doer” and the American who tortures his victim an upstanding and faultless patriot standing up for freedom and oppressed people everywhere.

Former Focus on the Family President, James Dobson could not be reached for comment on Gonzales’ confirmation because he was too busy engaging in the far more critical and Christian “moral values” that made Gonzales’ appointment possible in the first place—beating the &%*@ out of defenseless cartoon marine animals. The moral majority was too busy writing checks to First United Church of Christ Incarnate In Dubya, Texas Synod, to notice.

Gonzales himself recently declared, “Torture and abuse will not be tolerated by this administration. I will ensure the Department of Justice aggressively pursues those responsible for such abhorrent actions."

Mr. Attorney General, try looking on top of your own ass.


Gonzales’ confirmation follows a rash of other imprudent and obtuse appointments to the catastrophic Bush administration, starting with none other than:

President George W. Bush: Despite an utterly arrogant and deeply flawed foreign policy and an abysmal record of fiscal mismanagement, the American people saw fit to give President Bush another term. Appealing to the rotten angels of our nature, Bush managed to wrangle an additional four years to continue what he’d already started—the dismemberment of America’s dignity, might and security in the name of God and his own singularly innate ability to ascertain that God's national providence on the US of A.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: If there is a poster-child for the banning of genetic cloning, Ms. Rice is it. President Bush once commented that he liked to surround himself with bright people who didn’t necessarily agree with everything he said in order to give him opposing viewpoints when making important decisions. If this blog were a sitcom, the hysterical laugh-track would be added here.

Director of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff: Very soon, the Senate will confirm Michael Chertoff to head the leviathan watchdog organization. Possessing what is at first glance a generally untarnished resume, Chertoff was, in fact, instrumental in drafting and implementing the Orwellian “Patriot Act.” He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake; he knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!

Let the irate comments begin!