Dear Red States...

The same friend who sent me the previous post just sent me this one. Enjoy. I plan on discussing something along these lines tomorrow...


Dear Red States,

OK, we have had enough. We just can't get along. We have decided to go it alone. We in California have decided to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, Maryland and the entire Northeast. Pennsylvania and Colorado may be joining us, too.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the former slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty, the Lincoln memorial, Hollywood, Tahoe and Yosemite. It's still a toss-up about who gets Las Vegas. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to try to make the Red States pay enough to keep their services going (good luck!). Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower, we get a bunch of happier families. You get more single moms.

With the Blue States, we will have control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the fresh fruit, 95 percent of the quality wines (you will have to import from the Frenchies), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, and all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus the best tech schools (Caltech, MIT, RPI).

With the Red States, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, and virtually 100 percent of all televangelists. You get Bob Jones University, Ole Miss, Georgia Tech, Tulane and Texas A & M.

The last time we checked, we were told that 38 percent of your population believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws or Iraq, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, and 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11. You may want to put a few more dollars into your educational system.

Lastly, we get Barack. He's a nice family man, smart, handsome, a good organizer, and the whole world likes him. He would prefer us all to be “united” but we told him that we are tired of consorting with folks who call him a “terrorist.” If he wants to pal around with some former rabble rousers who are professors or retired ministers, it's fine by us.

You get John. He's grumpy and erratic, flies off the handle easily, nearly flunked out of school, and downed some planes. But make sure you feed him well and take him in for regular check-ups!! We shudder at the alternative.

Best of luck and sayonara,

California, and the rest of the Blue States