An Open Letter from God to the Weaver Family

Dear Cleavers, er, Weavers,

I was watching The Amazing Race: Family Edition last night (you should see my cable bill) and decided that there was something I couldn't put off any longer: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP INVOKING MY NAME ON THE SHOW!

I am not the fifth member of your team! You're making me look bad, running around saying "Praise God this" and "Praise God that" and "Put a hedge of protection around us Lord this" and "Dear Jesus, we know it's Your will that we win a million dollars that" and then turning around and acting like the most deceptive, manipulative, dishonest and rude team in the game! Knock it off already!

A guy I'm pretty proud of, St. Paul (you may have heard of him) wrote that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are signs of my true followers. I've been looking for these qualities in you. I'm still looking. I guess the fruit of the Spirit doesn't make for good "Must-See TV," eh?

I am the first to admit (I know you all pretty well, after all) that if you put cameras into the houses of my saints for long enough, you're bound to capture a moment or two where they might give you cause to question their salvation, or at the very least, the depth of their commitment to Me. You are, after all, only human. I bet David's glad there was no reality TV when he bumped into Bathsheba or Noah when he got drunk that time with his daughters, or Abraham when he offered his wife to Pharaoh.

But I digress. You see my point.

There is no excuse for my people to engage in this kind of behavior. Like the other night, when the the Godlewski's (or was it the Bransen's -- I get those girls mixed up sometimes) were legitimately trying to comfort you at the race track and you mocked them afterwords. Or the time when you were on the detour mat and made fun of garbage men and every other team. Or that pathetic "us and God" speech. Or that episode where you just plain freaked out. Or trying to "save" that guy at the mud pit. Sure, maybe some of your good side has been lost on the cutting room floor, but the amount of lying, cheating and backstabbing I've seen lead to Me believe that, as pompous and petulant as you appear, it's hard to imagine your witness has done anything more than bring shame and disrepute to My name.

Oh, and stop crying every other episode and telling Phil that the other teams hate you because you're different and trying so hard to live good little Christian lives. I've got news for you--you're not being persecuted for My name's sake. It's because you're a bunch of jerks. If you want to blame Satan, go ahead, he gets a lot of blame for stuff he has little to do with.

I never thought I could be disappointed in a team more than the Paolo's. So much for that idea.

Hell (I created it so I can say it), I am considering banning all my followers from participating on reality TV. There was that Joanna on Survivor. And Millie & Chuck and Brandon & Nicole from The Amazing Race. Yeah, I know they didn't do anything to really bring reproach on My name, but why are the biggest wimps and whiners always the ones who say they belong to Me? And don't even get me started on that Kris Gillespie from Wife Swap. Excellence indeed! Me have mercy! Now Chip & Kim -- there's a couple I can get behind. You never heard them proselytize throughout their honest and integrity-filled season of The Amazing Race. Never even knew they were Christians until the end where they gave Me the glory and said the first thing they were going to do with their money was tithe ten percent. (Were you planning on doing that if you won......hmmmmmm?)

By the way, I bumped into your dad up here the other day. Let's just say he's very disappointed in all of you.

Love ya, but then again, I love everybody,

God


P.S. -- I already know how this thing's going to play out. I'm omnicent after all. And I think that Linz family is hilarious.

P.S.S. -- Oh for My Son's sake, put some clothes on already, girls!