Wednesday, November 09, 2005

An Open Letter from God to the Weaver Family



Dear Cleavers, er, Weavers,

I was watching The Amazing Race: Family Edition last night (you should see my cable bill) and decided that there was something I couldn't put off any longer: WILL YOU PLEASE STOP INVOKING MY NAME ON THE SHOW!

I am not the fifth member of your team! You're making me look bad, running around saying "Praise God this" and "Praise God that" and "Put a hedge of protection around us Lord this" and "Dear Jesus, we know it's Your will that we win a million dollars that" and then turning around and acting like the most deceptive, manipulative, dishonest and rude team in the game! Knock it off already!

A guy I'm pretty proud of, St. Paul (you may have heard of him) wrote that love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control are signs of my true followers. I've been looking for these qualities in you. I'm still looking. I guess the fruit of the Spirit doesn't make for good "Must-See TV," eh?

I am the first to admit (I know you all pretty well, after all) that if you put cameras into the houses of my saints for long enough, you're bound to capture a moment or two where they might give you cause to question their salvation, or at the very least, the depth of their commitment to Me. You are, after all, only human. I bet David's glad there was no reality TV when he bumped into Bathsheba or Noah when he got drunk that time with his daughters, or Abraham when he offered his wife to Pharaoh.

But I digress. You see my point.

There is no excuse for my people to engage in this kind of behavior. Like the other night, when the the Godlewski's (or was it the Bransen's -- I get those girls mixed up sometimes) were legitimately trying to comfort you at the race track and you mocked them afterwords. Or the time when you were on the detour mat and made fun of garbage men and every other team. Or that pathetic "us and God" speech. Or that episode where you just plain freaked out. Or trying to "save" that guy at the mud pit. Sure, maybe some of your good side has been lost on the cutting room floor, but the amount of lying, cheating and backstabbing I've seen lead to Me believe that, as pompous and petulant as you appear, it's hard to imagine your witness has done anything more than bring shame and disrepute to My name.

Oh, and stop crying every other episode and telling Phil that the other teams hate you because you're different and trying so hard to live good little Christian lives. I've got news for you--you're not being persecuted for My name's sake. It's because you're a bunch of jerks. If you want to blame Satan, go ahead, he gets a lot of blame for stuff he has little to do with.

I never thought I could be disappointed in a team more than the Paolo's. So much for that idea.

Hell (I created it so I can say it), I am considering banning all my followers from participating on reality TV. There was that Joanna on Survivor. And Millie & Chuck and Brandon & Nicole from The Amazing Race. Yeah, I know they didn't do anything to really bring reproach on My name, but why are the biggest wimps and whiners always the ones who say they belong to Me? And don't even get me started on that Kris Gillespie from Wife Swap. Excellence indeed! Me have mercy! Now Chip & Kim -- there's a couple I can get behind. You never heard them proselytize throughout their honest and integrity-filled season of The Amazing Race. Never even knew they were Christians until the end where they gave Me the glory and said the first thing they were going to do with their money was tithe ten percent. (Were you planning on doing that if you won......hmmmmmm?)

By the way, I bumped into your dad up here the other day. Let's just say he's very disappointed in all of you.

Love ya, but then again, I love everybody,

God


P.S. -- I already know how this thing's going to play out. I'm omnicent after all. And I think that Linz family is hilarious.

P.S.S. -- Oh for My Son's sake, put some clothes on already, girls!

20 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Overall funny man, and i am agreeing with you more and more each week...however...i think the dad comment was a little much!

gabi

12:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If the weavers are true signs of what a christian should be then I would be ashamed to call myself christian. They are nasty and mean spirited people who uses gods name to excuse their behavor.

1:02 PM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

Hey Brandon,
I hope that family see's your blogg one day. Bob and I were thinking exactly what "God" wrote. They give "Christains" a bad name. I always think people have something to hide when they start a conversation or are constantly using the term "I'm A Christian". Just be a good person and shut up already. And I second God's motion, "put some clothes on!!!

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen!

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God you hit the nail on the head. I live a good life and do good things. I am not perfect, but I try to do good in your name. those Weaver's do not act like adult humans let alone a Christain, calling people names, make fun of others occupations. They should maybe read the bible and see where you do not persecute who persecute you. You try to love and forgive them. And do not use your faith against other's. They have stumbled probably many people.

1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The bulk of what's been said is about the hipocracy the Weavers practice. The great percentage of their dialogue includes their touting how moral and Christian they are intermixed with mockery and treachery against others. Not just other teams but people in general. Being Christian does not make one better than anyone else.

True Christians are tolerant of everyone, even those who don't practice any religion at all.

It's kind of annoying that the Weavers have to preface almost anything they say with "we're Christians"..then tell the boat driver of another team to "drive very slow" so the Christians can beat them.

Uchenna and Joyce. Now THEY were cool with the Christianity.

I also think they had it right - they had their beliefs but were open to and seemed to appreciate everything they encountered. An all around winning attitude.

2:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Weavers are an annoying variant of your typical Christian. However, we've seen this before on TAR - I hated "models" Brandon and Nicole for the same reason. They'd pray to God when it suited them - with a hubris that sickened me.

As if God gives a crap about two pretty people racing for a million bucks.

I am also a Christian, but The Weavers are an extreme and dangerous kind of Christian - the kind that thinks they know God better than anybody else can - almost as if they are God.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Paula Preston-Engle said...

I don't like people using the Lord to excuse their behavior and their holier-than-thou attitude has got to go. Praying is fine, but it is better when you do it to benefit others, not always yourselves. They keep telling us how much better they are because they follow the Lord. When did the Lord teach that you are supposed to belittle others and try to slow others down?

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Franklin said...

Standing in my garage doesn't make me a car any more than going to church has made the Weaver family into real Christians.

3:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well done! I needed a laugh this afternoon! I hope someone in that family reads this! They need a wake-up call!

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*snort*

That was one of the best things I've read in a long time. Now I must wipe the vanilla cappucino off my monitor.

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That open letter from God was really funny....and so true....

11:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm still trying to figure out where in the heck the Weaver's are coming from! Every time they utter the Lord's name I think he must feel violated. They weren't driving me too crazy until about 3 episodes ago and then they really started to get under my skin. I'm with you on the whole ban believers from reality TV, they aren't helping those of us who are sincere at all. All reality TV believers and Pat Robertson - ban!!! Geez.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous dac said...

Honestly, I don't know why people dislike the weavers. I believe that people just picked up from what others were saying on the show and decided for no reason that they dislike the Weavers.

Thet family hasn't done anything on the show that other families haven't.

Come on people, they didn't do a darn thing. Incidentally, I hope the annoying Linz family gets the boot next - talk about annoying!

10:24 PM  
Anonymous God said...

"Linz Family Wins the Amazing Race."

See...told you so. It's that whole omnipotence thing.

1:31 AM  
Anonymous michelle said...

hey anoymous if you say that christians are tolerant then why are talking about them. you are pin pointing them just like what you said they were in the show. doesnt mean that you are a christian, you are not better than anyone of then either since you are like also criticizing them too. talking bad about their bad boints. dont you feel ashamed of yourself. i bet you are a christian too. you should be ashamed of yourself too dummy. and why are such a nosey parker trying to know where rae they from. even a person who doesnt know how to use the internet also knows how to go to the amazing race site to find sources and find out were they're from. why are you such a wimp trying to put your name as anoymous. are you afraid that the weavers really find this blog and recognize your name. you are such an asshole and also a disgraceful christian, creep. you are like posting more than one comment about them. do you have anything better to do than criticizing the weaver family or are you in love with them. if not why are you so obsessed and keep talking about them. why are you caring so much about people uttering using the Lord's name to excuse their behaviour. if they are the dangerous kind of christians then you are too idiot. if they'd really done wrong they will be punished for that and it will not be your complete idiotic nonsense. so get a life and shut your trap up freak.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Brandon Fibbs said...

Michelle,

I try to run a pretty tight ship around here. Dissent is allowed and, in fact, strongly encouraged. But thoughtless name-calling and rude behavior, either to me or my posters is not. You're walking a very thin line here. I may or may not yet delete your post. I've done so to one person already this morning. I'll see how I feel later. Either way, consider yourself warned and in the future, if you can't post civilly, please don't post at all. Thanks,

Brandon

11:51 AM  
Anonymous michelle said...

whatever i dont care if you delete. i am not as obsessed as the anoymous person. this comment is just for the anoymous person after he or she reads this you can delete it. if you wanna delete it right now jus delete. i am absolutely fine with it.

12:13 PM  
Blogger Brandon Fibbs said...

Michelle,

A few clarifications based on your difficult to decipher and grammatically challenged comments:

I think I am safe in saying that there is more than one "anonymous" person commenting here. That option is open to anyone when they write, including yourself.

Furthermore, when they ask, "Where are the Weavers coming from," it is being asked philosophically, not geographically.

And lastly, no one here is invoking slander and attack against anyone, except, perhaps, you against your fellow commenters--fancy that. All people here are saying is that calling yourself something does not make it so. Behavior betrays belief.

12:57 PM  
Anonymous Twisted Chinaman said...

Indeed.

People living in glass houses, like the Weavers, shouldn't throw stones. What a bunch of hypocrites! I don't give a damn if their father died and they were afraid of Talledega Speedway, it doesn't give you the moral high horse to sledge someone back and then say to God "help us!"

It's just stupid. Period.

And Michelle, learn how to spell, please?

4:16 AM  

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