Friday, August 04, 2006

Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian

It's good to have others challenge our beliefs. Without those challenges, those questions, those demands--aggressive or hostile as they may be--we cannot strengthen our posture or even reply to the questions when we ourselves demand the answers.

The person who sent the following list to me admits that it is "pretty mean, but pretty good." Yes. Also, at times, very true. And very funny. Ridiculing God is one thing. Ridiculing ourselves is something else entirely.

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects -- will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.


Blogger Brandon Fibbs said...

I'm on a role with these Top 10 lists. This one's great too:

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. True Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

7:32 PM  
Blogger Justin said...

The "Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian" could have been your next Ten individual posts...

And each one discussed separately. I would have enjoyed that.

of course, that’s not the way Top Ten lists are supposed to work!

News on NYC?

4:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this! And love the one about gay marriage as well.

9:35 AM  
Blogger Grinth said...

Personally I thought both lists were pretty funny.

On the whole gay issue thing...not sure if you have heard of the comedian Daniel Tosh, but he has a great bit, albiet rather crass (intentionally, but not seriously if that makes sense)...Tosh explains:

After Adam and Eve sinned they were punished. Eve's punishment painful childbirth, mans punishment? Putting up with God doesn't hate gays he's just mad that they found a loophole in the system.

5:18 PM  
Blogger Brandon Fibbs said...


5:38 PM  

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