Thursday, April 27, 2006

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

Getting stoned in Monty Python's The Life of Brian. Love those beards, guys...

The following is a letter that was supposedly sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. According to the source, which may or may not be reliable, she recently said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstances. Whether the following open letter, penned by a listener, is real or not is besides the point. The author's points are valid all the same and bring into sharp focus one of Christian Fundamentalism's most troublesome and ignored aspects--picking and choosing its pet sins. I think the piece speaks for itself...

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,



Anonymous DC said...

Well, I don't listen to Dr. Laura. But this letter is great!

3:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, shellfish is just one letter away from hellfish. Hmmmm. I think I've made myself abundantly clear.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Nate said...

And two letters from selfish, and thirteen letters from liberal sinners!!

Hellfish would make a great name for my beta, reacher preacher, intimidating the other betas in the marine-cockfights I regularly enter him in around Springfield's seedy, criminal underbelly, until he reigned champion with the title of "AlphaBeta"

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Stephanie (Hyde) said...

hysterical - makes things really clear. So awesome we agree on stuff like this Bran.

7:17 AM  

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